Was I to Blame? by Cynthia Villanueva

Was I to Blame?

How does it feel at seventeen?

Full of hopes, full of dreams

to be a doctor of medicine

save lives, my intent genuine.

On my birthday father asked

a party or car, my choice. A task,

of course, a car, a modern one

no second thought, it’s much more fun.

No more running after a bus

jampacked full for a ride

I squeezed myself into

for a long time now, I made no fuss.

With my new car I travelled with style—

no running, no squeezing, a calm

ride to the university arriving

still fresh, no sweat, not feeling fried!

But it was not long until the car I asked for

would break my heart.

With friends my father drove one night

brother and cousin went, the ride was tight.

Waiting for them, the night was dark,

quietly foreboding of something bad.

Accidents happen. One that claimed

the lives of father and brother cuts like a knife.

Deep grief, tears flowed into

accusing stares, my heart froze—

if you didn’t ask for the car, they said,

your father and brother will not be dead.

The pain of loss was unbearable

the guilt and blame hurt the more.

Is it me that caused their lives were claimed

too young, too soon, was I to blame?

Yes, it happened a long time now

but the pain of loss is still in my heart.

Was it guilt that made it hard to forget

release me now from my deep regret.

The stigma bound me tight like a chain,

despite the time, my heart is still in pain.

My life needs a change, a remix

let me fly free like a phoenix.

Cynthia Villanueva, also known as the author Joseph Paul “JP” Anthony, is a retired securities brokerage regulator. From technical writing as a FINRA Examination Manager, she moved to creative writing. She writes poetry, short stories, short novels and children’s books. She has published three books: The Polaris Medallion, a fantasy/romance novel, Hantika, a fantasy/action novel, and My Soul’s Lament (book 1), an anthology of English and Tagalog poems with twin YouTube channel. The books are available in Amazon and The Kindle Store.

When not writing, she plays musical instruments – ukulele, drums, piano, guitar and other string and percussion instruments. She also enjoys drawing with graphite and charcoal pencils, painting in oil, acrylic, watercolors and glow in the dark oil paint and digital photography. She believes creative writing, music and arts are all intertwined.

She is currently registered in the San Diego Community College District Emeritus Program with courses in creative writing, music and arts.